We are All Healed.

I can't deny that I am tempted, whenever you mentioned the 3 magical alphabets. Whenever you teased me through the messages, it felt like the good old days when we were in love... Only that... we are not now.

Sometimes I wonder, if you are not so busy working now, would things be very different? I remember the other day you told me, that you are very busy.. And that is the only reason why you rejected my proposal (which is a stupid proposal by the way and I'm grateful for that), that is the time where I feel protected by you. And I am once again happy that we are still friends.

In all honesty, I want us to remain as friends now. And just that. Doesn't matter with or without benefits. I just want to keep you close to my heart, and for us to meet up once in a while to talk about everything under the sun, that to me is enough.

I can't say how grateful I am to have you back in my life again (thanks to someone), and I guess sometimes in life, there will be one person whom you might not be with, but will be special to you always.

I admit that sometimes I'll still look at the stars and think of you. How we stared into the sky together that night, chatting. But that is a very different feeling now. I was lost, because I lost you, but now, my heart felt warm, because I have you, right beside me.

I've hurt you, and vice versa. But we are all healed now, no? :)

Thank You

Its been a long time since I wrote to him, but I managed to come up with a long thank-you note. No matter how simple my words sounded, I really thank him from the bottom of my heart. It is not easy finding a soulmate whom I can chat everything with, and for that I am really grateful. 

But what's special was this particular part that I wrote, 'This is something I have never told you before.... you really gave me some of my sweetest and happiest days in this lifetime. Next life I'll be your wife if we ever meet! Promise! Hehe! :)'

Whatever has happened, is over. We are still very close friends, and that is what matters most. While reminiscing the good old days, I suddenly realised something as well. It's a pity that the other, who was once very dear to me has decided to let go of even the bare minimum, a friendship. That period of time was magical, it felt as though I've finally found someone who understands me, someone who know what I've been going through. I had treasured that friendship so much. I never regretted knowing him, in fact I believe he entered my life for a reason. I guess I just felt that its such a waste, that the friendship is lost.

Someone told me that if I am able to smile while thinking about you, that is the time when I've really moved on.

:)

Flashbacks are Interesting

Sometimes flashbacks are interesting, they give you a so familiar yet so distant feeling.

When you tapped me on my shoulder, I instantly knew what you wanted. It was an outing with others around, but that didn't stop us from having physical contact. Was it pure lust from your side, or was it the flashbacks?

I'm pretty sure you still remember our romps back then, even though it had been a few years back. Those were the fun and exciting days, aren't they? The moment you tossed that box of durex over, those eyes of yours looking at me lovingly, your touch...

As I slowly let the past seep into the present, I realized while I miss your touch, the feelings are often coupled with a heavy heart afterwards. As I pleasured myself to a high, what I had after the climax was a dull ache in the heart, the void that perhaps no man can ever fill anymore.

Then I come back to reality, and.. It hit me. That was pure lust on my side, and... it just got worst recently as my sexdrive hit a new high. I acknowledged it, but I also know that I am not tempted to have an affair with anyone anymore.

I have always been truthful in this blog of mine, and because of that I tend to be very honest when communicating with people who emailed me. In fact, this blog had became an escapade compared to my other world. There are still things I refrain from revealing in order to protect the people around me as well as myself. But...

Perhaps one day, when I couldn't take it any more, My story will be told.... Perhaps.

When

When the heart feels warm as you think of someone, it simply means you really adore that person. But that doesn't mean both of you have to be together.

When I tell someone I miss him, its genuinely how I feel. But that doesn't mean I must see him.

When I look at the old stuff that reminds me of him, I'll smile and tell myself, 'Thank you for being by my side till now.'

When he reprimands you for something stupid you've done, it means he cares. But that doesn't mean he feels you're stupid. He knows you're hurt and just do not want you to repeat it.

When the physical attraction is still there whenever both of you meet, you know its time to stay away for awhile. Resisting temptation, never easy.

At the end of the day, the heart feels happy having him as a close friend. 

However, as I gained one, I lost one.

I will hold on to this once-lost friendship even tighter, and let go of the one who decided to go.

Sometimes I'll step back to look at what has happened and how much it has changed me. I realised I can never go back to that route anymore. The fear of being abandoned at any point in time, the horror of guessing what the other party is thinking, and even the excitement of meeting up for sex. Honestly, it is an episode I want to discard. We were very close friends (frankly, I don't think I will open up as much to anyone anymore) and I am still grateful about it. I wished we can remain as close as ever, but I realised that the other party do not treasure what we have after all. And I am saying all these with inner peace.

A month ago, I would have been still bitter about what has happened. But now, I guessed I'm more or less settled. There are no heartaches anymore (It has numbed), and though I still find myself thinking a little about him everyday, I know it is purely a habit. 

I still wish you all the best. And I still pray for your well being whenever I go to the temple. I might be a stranger to you now, but you were once a very deer friend to me. I don't know if you are reading this, but it doesn't matter. Be happy, be very happy. :)

The Good Old Days

Revisiting your home reminds me of the good old days. The same mattress I once lied on, the same chair I used to sit while you worked your tongue in me, the same layout of your room.

I'm glad we are still friends, and I'm happy to stay this way always.

That disc you bought to keep contains the very first movie we watched together in the cinema - you made me realise how much you used to treasure the relationship between us.

There were heartbreaks, but we are both healed now. We still chat openly about everything under the sun (including sex) and it still feel so natural. I still bully you, but you didn't seem to mind. You still dote on me, but in a friendly way. I still enjoy snatching your belongings and laughing with you.

Nothing more I could ask for.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Temptation - The Root to all Evil.

If you have been following my blog for quite sometime, you would have known that I started this identity MissyBlackDiary because of an individual, someone whom I used to love dearly. Because of how things ended, we were unable to be friends (mainly due to me) for quite awhile, until I fell for another.. (who had left, but that's another story).

Yesterday, that individual (let's call him A) was alone with me at my home.

It has been quite awhile since I last saw him as he's busy with work and life, but yesterday knowing that I'm not feeling well, offered to deliver dinner since he's free for the evening. We sat and ate dinner like before, chatting about our common friends and life in general.

Now - I've had a long history with him, and we had many rendezvous sessions in the past. And while it seemed natural that things will progress to sex after the dinner, I was firm and did not allow that to happen.

He was frisky and restless throughout the after-dinner chat. He sat closer and attempted to demo-massage me (which is guaranteed to make me horny, as proven before), but I did not succumb to temptation.

However, I'm certainly no angel.

I honestly told him, that it is very easy to have sex with him (since we are alone in the house), and the temptation is definitely there. But no, I don't think I want to deal with the aftermath. That said, I could have given him a HJ or BJ to help, but I wasn't interested. I was a giver, and because of that I was hurt badly. I relate my honest feelings to him, and suddenly something strikes me.

I have changed.

If it was in the past, I would dive into sex with A, no questions asked. After all, I do have feelings for him. But the last episode with the other taught me something, that temptation is the root to all evil. If I wasn't tempted, I would not have fallen so deeply with someone who just decided to dump me away after he realized he couldn't carry on. If I wasn't tempted, I would not be so badly hurt and scarred.

A respected me as I explained my stand, and for that I am grateful. Though he was horny as hell, he nodded and patiently listen as I poured my heart out to him. 

At the end of the night, he left with a mega hard-on, while I was left alone in an empty house again. I am still very broken, and still very disappointed, but I will deal with it.

I had to.

RIP....