RIP....

Do we?

The heart aches badly earlier as I chanced upon a story so similar to what happened to me a couple months ago.

It still feel like a dream.

Waking up is better for both of us definitely. No more heartaches, no more hurt, no more sadness.

I emerge stronger everyday as a better person, though thinking of you a little per day has became sort of a routine, but they are just wishes, for your health and work. Though you are the one who did not reply my last msg, you'll live in my heart. Aren't you glad to know that I'm not gonna bother you anymore?

If there is one thing I'm good at, it would be the ability to walk away and control myself from contacting you. I felt the heartbreaking back then, but like I've told you before - if that person doesn't care whether you live or die, you don't live in their heart anymore.

What we had, was so much more. What we shared, made me feel like I've finally found a confidant.

I am actually able to talk to you face to face purely as a friend now. But, do I wan to do that? Do you want to do that?

Such is Life

Nights are not good, as memories often creep back and attack you silently.

我讓他走, 因為我了解感情是不能夠勉強的.

他也知道, 所以他選擇離開.

=====================================

Met up with an ex-boyfriend earlier on along with his spouse. Happy for him that he is married now, and that things certainly look better for him in every way. Looking at him reminds me of the days when we are together.

I still remember a few moments of us being a couple, although its been many years back (I think around 10?). We were young, and we were together for 2 years. I was still studying then, and he was in army. I sort of forgotten how things ended, but we are still friends after the break up.

It feels good seeing him today but somehow I have a nagging feeling that he isn't really happy with his marriage from the way he talks and the words after the meet up.

I better steer clear for now. I can't take another emotional turmoil anymore.

=====================================

Life's unpredictable. A close one is in critical condition at the hospital. Praying hard. You must be strong.

Beyond Me

Was watching a Channel 8 drama 'Beyond' and the casts mentioned the Parallel Universe theory.

If there is another me in that universe, how different will she be compared to the me over here?

I wonder what will happen to the me in that other world? Will I be heartbroken? Will I be happy? Will I be brave? Who will I be? A musician? A singer? A loving wife 100% faithful to my husband?

Will I be happier? Will I be worst?

Will I meet you?

Two Favorite Books

During one of our conversations back then, we talked about books. And my all time favorite book is Tuesdays with Morrie. I remember typing out word by word, paragraph by paragraph to the pre-timed email I've sent you.

When you learn how to die, you learn how to live.

I am okay with us parting, as I've always told you that it will be better for you as well. Last week, I was there again. I thought about you, how anxious you were the last time I was inside - always on a lookout and looking at my whatsapp status. I thought about how much you cared about me, and then finally  - the fact that you are ignoring me now pains me, even as a friend.

You asked me before - What would you do if you weren't afraid?

It was from your favorite book 'Who moved my cheese'. I still haven't read that book and I don't think I ever will. I remember you said you'll get one for me, and it didn't happen. To be honest, I acted upon this sentence, which is why I met you offline. No regrets, for memories were good.

Looking back, I realized I really enjoyed the very first night of our chat, with us just being pure companions of the night, having fun chatting with one another, and with no complications.

I have missed that.

With you, I bared my heart totally. And it made me feel happy, that someone understands. After all, we were on the same boat.

I guessed the only thing we truly trust in each other now, is the ability to protect our secret till the day we go to our grave, which is not very far away for me. 

Pardon my disorganized thoughts. Flashbacks are in pieces, as memory fades. 

Another Phase in Life

If you've been following my blog for quite a while, you might have noticed that this is a sex blog no more. This little space of mine has become more of a place where I share my inner most thoughts, and those delicate moments in my life.

You are free to leave, or stay.

Dream, and Waking up

I woke up from a dream.

In my dream, we met each other online. The very first email was from you. You read about my life through my blog. You felt that we are in a similar situation when it comes to relationships and you also shared your blog. I read all your entries, and I was intrigued. I replied you a long mail with my own true story, and that was the beginning of it all.

I was overseas then, so I had limited access to the internet. But I find myself drawn to talking to you, as you make me felt comfortable about sharing my life experiences and thoughts. What I didn't know was, that very word 'comfortable' is the culprit of our current situation.

After a couple weeks of correspondence, I caught you online one day at night, and decided to chat with you. I have always been on an 'invisible' mode in my gmail, but somehow I just wanted to talk to you. 'TADA!' was the start of an unforgettable night. 

We made a mistake, and things went haywire. We got addicted to each other - Our phones never leaving our hands, waking up in the middle of the night to chat.. etc, and we fell in love. We had a few 'cooling off period', but they always failed. Things progressed very fast, from whatsapp to phone, all in two weeks. I still remember the night where you first called me. You were all nervous, and I was giggling throughout our conversation. I enjoyed chatting with you that way.

We chat on the phone almost every night from then on till the week hours of the morning. When you first whispered, 'I really like you. I miss you.' I knew I was in trouble when I felt that the heart is aching gently. I knew I had fallen in love, but we haven't met. How is this possible?

Within a month, we met. I do not meet up with people I know online, but for you, I did everything I thought wasn't possible. We were so crazy.. and madly in love.

But things went downhill after a short while. At first, I couldn't comprehend. I, like most girls in love, cook up excuses for you - You are busy... You need to concentrate on your work... Your family... etc. But deep within me,  I already knew that I was losing you slowly. I forced myself not to miss you. I cried and cried, but I refuse to let you know, for it is of no use either. No sob drama from my side, as this will create more burden to you. Silly, I was.

That was the nightmare part of the dream. I buried myself with my own things, and tried to push away any thoughts related to you, which was hard, for every little thing reminds me of you. Motorbikes, people who look like you, smiles, words, places, even my home - the very floor you lied on, the cushion that you loved.

After a week of no contact (which has never happened since I knew you), I had already lost all hope. I knew you were gone. Your heart had left. All promises broken.

Last we met, you informed me of your decision. 

'Don't be too hard on yourself.'

'But I am not happy now.'

'I know you are a very emotional person.'

'You have no choice.'

'I can't carry on.'

The last sentence, 'We'll talk again k?' was actually a closure on your part. I didn't realize until much later.

And so, my dream ended.

============================================

What we had shared, were mostly sweet memories. At this very moment, bittersweet-ness engulfed me. I smile thinking of the good old days, but the heart is aching. Where else to get this mixture of feelings?

I thought about what we had. I thought about what we possessed. I'd thought our bond was strong.

What I didn't tell you was, I already knew what was happening. I know the real reason behind your leaving. Perhaps neither of us wanted to acknowledge it. But I do know, I am not that silly after all.

You wanted to be happy, and you said I brought you happiness. You said we are givers, but you are a taker now, for your own happiness. I am still that giver, wishing you happiness always.

============================================

As for myself, I realized I'm in a different dimension once I'm here. This is my other identity after all. I appear happy and smiley on the surface. When I'm here, this is the real me. And the real me, met you.  With you, I can be myself. You will always be a part of me, and I thank you for that. Although everything is over now (And I had to admit that I'm feeling relieved), I will not forget the things you have done for me. I don't know if I will ever stop writing about you, but I know I will try not to think of you too much.

If you are ever reading this, I would like to say this. 

I was glad I made you happy back then, no matter how short the period was. I'm glad you chose to be happy now, though at my expense. I maintain that you should be happy, I don't matter. I hope it is a relief for you, knowing I had left. Since it was a spill period between you and her, I hope you are in a much better shape now and that your life is brighter and you are happier now. 

I have alot of things to say, and I have gifts for you. But I will keep them with me, and they will remind me of you.

Smile, smile, smile, for you look really good when you smile.

Be happy always.

Once, a deer.

你和我 從此兩條平行線

【空房間】 

詞:張克帆 劉鴻文 曲:劉鴻文 張克帆

夜很深　靜靜打開記事本 

沒出聲　感受光線的餘溫 

墜落眼淚會冰冷　蒸發心底傷痕 

是誰 沉淪

想起你 離去背影多殘忍 

淚水決堤 窗外大雨倾盆 

熄了燈獨坐床沿 寂寞襲捲房間

你和我 從此兩條平行線

今夜　 閉上眼 

時間緩緩 倒回原點 

明天　 開始改變 

不要讓人 覺得可憐 

眷戀　你的臉 

夜夜夢裡都會浮現

離開　寂寞深淵

沒有你的空房間

填不滿的

空蕩畫面

Enlightenment

"This thing is not hanging there. His decision. Let him settle."

I am enlightened.

I was bothered previously, because I felt that our relationship is hanging in midair with your 'we'll talk again k?'. But the above sentence woke me up. It was already a closure that day on your part, isn't it?

I was silly, not because that's me, but because I chose to, when I was with you.

一段從前

那天你那句，‘你想了解我多一點嗎？’ 打開了我心裡的結。從那天起，你悄悄走進我的世界。你的快樂悲傷能左右我的情緒，而我的世界也為你而轉。我曾經很幸福，被你呵護。我曾經堅信，我們的愛不會迷路。

今晚，我靜下來慢慢思考。我默默想著你，心隱隱作痛。當你說，‘你要知道，我們是不會有結果的’，我似乎已收到你要離開的訊號。但我的固執不允許我放棄，也就因為這樣，我傷得更深。

我不明白為甚麼你能夠把我們的全部丟棄，我不知道為甚麼你這麼殘忍。感情沒了，一切就隨風而逝嗎？你的感情沒有了，那我呢？一開始為了要幸福，你選擇了我。現在也因為你的幸福而離開。那我呢？

我把掌心貼向胸口，默默想著我們的那一段從前。你知道嗎？我的心真的受傷了。這種痛不會催淚，不會令我崩潰，不會讓我痛哭，不會把我避瘋。 但我的無奈天天侵襲我，你曾經的痛苦已轉移到我身上，你知道嗎？

我讓你走，因為你說我留不住你。但你可知道，我讓你走，因為我要你幸福。我沈默，因為我把你的幸福還給你。我說過，只要你快樂，我不重要。

我尊重你的決定，因為這是一種愛。我了解你說的原因，雖然我也知道那不是真的。記得我說的，‘你真的很殘忍’？你回應，‘這不是殘忍，是毅力。’  我知道你的推動力是甚麼，但我沒有權力過問。這一切的一切，我承受 － 因為這也是一種愛。

我還有話想對你說，但我想說甚麼也沒用了。一旦心變了，就結束了。你曾經為我做的一切我會記得。那些錢我不要了。如果我接受了，也只有一個原因：我不想造成你的負擔，反正我已不在你心裡了。如果你覺得我貪錢，表示你不了解我。如果你知道我接受那些錢是為了和你了斷，那為甚麼你還不回答我？這樣不是更好嗎？我們各走各的路，這不是你要的嗎？

那天你問我，‘我怎麼能夠幫你？’ 我隱約察覺到你煩躁的心情。你想要我們變成陌生人嗎？如果是，為甚麼你說 ’我們下次再談 k?' 是在打發我嗎？

記得我們一起唱歌嗎？記得我唱歌給你聽嗎？記得你唱歌給我聽嗎？記得我們曾經有多相愛嗎？記得我們曾經有多開心嗎？

我希望你比認識我前快樂，也希望你現在以後永遠幸福。

再見，陌生人。

Why did you change

I am only a girl who feels alot, loves alot, as long as you've touched my heart. There is no other like you, you know?

But you pushed me away, break me apart, and left me bleeding...

Why did you change?

Reversing

Everything I do, reminds me of you.
Sometimes I wonder if we haven't met, how will things go?
Sometimes I wonder if we did not meet at that point in time, what will happen?

We can't reverse things in our lives, but I wonder, can I reverse memories?
Do I want to?

Another Lesson Learnt

You've opened my eyes and made me realize certain things.

I had enough of temptations.

It was a one-time mistake, and it should remain that way.

I too, like you, is not that kind of person.

I was blinded, I was in love, and I was tempted.

We are humans,  after all.

If there is one thing you've changed me, it would be the ability to trust another person once again. It is not that you had misplaced my trust, but rather, you made me realize that people can turn their back against you almost immediately when they've decided on certain things.

And this is scary.

But I'm glad, that you have put a stop to this. Still I wished you'll let me down in a much gentler manner, but I take it all in. Just because I allowed myself to be in this, and it is my own fault.

I wished we can remain as friends, quoting your very own words - 'close and comfortable'. But I don't think it is really possible now, which is a shame, for this is the price to pay for our own mistake.

Never in my life will I allow myself to be in a similar situation again, ever. I am my very own devil. I won't try to be an angel, but I know I will not succumb to temptation again.

What had happened between you and me, will always be a part of me. Those were really great memories, thank you for everything.

Another lesson learnt.

Pain and Loss

The pain within is overwhelming. It takes a whole level of understanding and acceptance to get over. This is madness.

I have been dealing with a whole lot of things in my life, and I have never felt so lost before. Every morning when I wake up, every night before I sleep. Why am I becoming the you back then?

Am I hurting someone else in the process? Will I be able to take the sadness out of me? I was happy, and now, how long do I need to take to be happy again?

I opened my heart and let you in. And now, you shut me out. In a way, I'm glad you are selfish, and you know you are happy doing it. But... It is just very painful... Do you know?

Nightmare

I made a crazy proposal to someone today. I can't believe it myself either, but I needed it badly. Will I be hurting myself even more through the process? Or will it be better? But at this moment, I felt at ease while waiting for an answer.

I am lost. I have never been so lost in relationships. Only when we have been there will we understand.

I think I am mad. I'm not thinking properly, but its too painful... Especially when I can't tell anyone, and I only can accept what's going on.

When will I wake up from this whole nightmare?

放開

放你走是對的，但是為什麼我做不到？

我不重要.

你開心，你幸福就好。
我不重要。

Silly Girl

I have been labelled as a silly girl numerous times by different people ever since a couple months ago.

I wasn't like this, until I thought I treasure what we possess. I am always tactful when it comes to opening my heart and letting someone in, but for you, I relent. And because of that, I've hurt myself... badly.

Promises broken, words unspoken. I have never been in such a bad shape before.

You know what?
I was silly, just because I adored you.

你好嗎

牆上靜止的鐘是為誰停留
是不是和我一樣賴著不走
你說故事已經結束 很久
我忘了 向前走

我努力假裝現在過得很好
現在的你看來已不需要我
也許在不同的時空
還牽著 你的手

想知道你真的過得好嗎
沒有我也許是種解脫
將思念穿梭在宇宙數千光年
悄悄到 你身邊

現在我試著習慣一個人過
也許你已經開始新的生活
陪著我的叫做寂寞
陪你的 是誰呢?