When

When the heart feels warm as you think of someone, it simply means you really adore that person. But that doesn't mean both of you have to be together.

When I tell someone I miss him, its genuinely how I feel. But that doesn't mean I must see him.

When I look at the old stuff that reminds me of him, I'll smile and tell myself, 'Thank you for being by my side till now.'

When he reprimands you for something stupid you've done, it means he cares. But that doesn't mean he feels you're stupid. He knows you're hurt and just do not want you to repeat it.

When the physical attraction is still there whenever both of you meet, you know its time to stay away for awhile. Resisting temptation, never easy.

At the end of the day, the heart feels happy having him as a close friend. 

However, as I gained one, I lost one.

I will hold on to this once-lost friendship even tighter, and let go of the one who decided to go.

Sometimes I'll step back to look at what has happened and how much it has changed me. I realised I can never go back to that route anymore. The fear of being abandoned at any point in time, the horror of guessing what the other party is thinking, and even the excitement of meeting up for sex. Honestly, it is an episode I want to discard. We were very close friends (frankly, I don't think I will open up as much to anyone anymore) and I am still grateful about it. I wished we can remain as close as ever, but I realised that the other party do not treasure what we have after all. And I am saying all these with inner peace.

A month ago, I would have been still bitter about what has happened. But now, I guessed I'm more or less settled. There are no heartaches anymore (It has numbed), and though I still find myself thinking a little about him everyday, I know it is purely a habit. 

I still wish you all the best. And I still pray for your well being whenever I go to the temple. I might be a stranger to you now, but you were once a very deer friend to me. I don't know if you are reading this, but it doesn't matter. Be happy, be very happy. :)

The Good Old Days

Revisiting your home reminds me of the good old days. The same mattress I once lied on, the same chair I used to sit while you worked your tongue in me, the same layout of your room.

I'm glad we are still friends, and I'm happy to stay this way always.

That disc you bought to keep contains the very first movie we watched together in the cinema - you made me realise how much you used to treasure the relationship between us.

There were heartbreaks, but we are both healed now. We still chat openly about everything under the sun (including sex) and it still feel so natural. I still bully you, but you didn't seem to mind. You still dote on me, but in a friendly way. I still enjoy snatching your belongings and laughing with you.

Nothing more I could ask for.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Temptation - The Root to all Evil.

If you have been following my blog for quite sometime, you would have known that I started this identity MissyBlackDiary because of an individual, someone whom I used to love dearly. Because of how things ended, we were unable to be friends (mainly due to me) for quite awhile, until I fell for another.. (who had left, but that's another story).

Yesterday, that individual (let's call him A) was alone with me at my home.

It has been quite awhile since I last saw him as he's busy with work and life, but yesterday knowing that I'm not feeling well, offered to deliver dinner since he's free for the evening. We sat and ate dinner like before, chatting about our common friends and life in general.

Now - I've had a long history with him, and we had many rendezvous sessions in the past. And while it seemed natural that things will progress to sex after the dinner, I was firm and did not allow that to happen.

He was frisky and restless throughout the after-dinner chat. He sat closer and attempted to demo-massage me (which is guaranteed to make me horny, as proven before), but I did not succumb to temptation.

However, I'm certainly no angel.

I honestly told him, that it is very easy to have sex with him (since we are alone in the house), and the temptation is definitely there. But no, I don't think I want to deal with the aftermath. That said, I could have given him a HJ or BJ to help, but I wasn't interested. I was a giver, and because of that I was hurt badly. I relate my honest feelings to him, and suddenly something strikes me.

I have changed.

If it was in the past, I would dive into sex with A, no questions asked. After all, I do have feelings for him. But the last episode with the other taught me something, that temptation is the root to all evil. If I wasn't tempted, I would not have fallen so deeply with someone who just decided to dump me away after he realized he couldn't carry on. If I wasn't tempted, I would not be so badly hurt and scarred.

A respected me as I explained my stand, and for that I am grateful. Though he was horny as hell, he nodded and patiently listen as I poured my heart out to him. 

At the end of the night, he left with a mega hard-on, while I was left alone in an empty house again. I am still very broken, and still very disappointed, but I will deal with it.

I had to.