Dream, and Waking up

I woke up from a dream.

In my dream, we met each other online. The very first email was from you. You read about my life through my blog. You felt that we are in a similar situation when it comes to relationships and you also shared your blog. I read all your entries, and I was intrigued. I replied you a long mail with my own true story, and that was the beginning of it all.

I was overseas then, so I had limited access to the internet. But I find myself drawn to talking to you, as you make me felt comfortable about sharing my life experiences and thoughts. What I didn't know was, that very word 'comfortable' is the culprit of our current situation.

After a couple weeks of correspondence, I caught you online one day at night, and decided to chat with you. I have always been on an 'invisible' mode in my gmail, but somehow I just wanted to talk to you. 'TADA!' was the start of an unforgettable night. 

We made a mistake, and things went haywire. We got addicted to each other - Our phones never leaving our hands, waking up in the middle of the night to chat.. etc, and we fell in love. We had a few 'cooling off period', but they always failed. Things progressed very fast, from whatsapp to phone, all in two weeks. I still remember the night where you first called me. You were all nervous, and I was giggling throughout our conversation. I enjoyed chatting with you that way.

We chat on the phone almost every night from then on till the week hours of the morning. When you first whispered, 'I really like you. I miss you.' I knew I was in trouble when I felt that the heart is aching gently. I knew I had fallen in love, but we haven't met. How is this possible?

Within a month, we met. I do not meet up with people I know online, but for you, I did everything I thought wasn't possible. We were so crazy.. and madly in love.

But things went downhill after a short while. At first, I couldn't comprehend. I, like most girls in love, cook up excuses for you - You are busy... You need to concentrate on your work... Your family... etc. But deep within me,  I already knew that I was losing you slowly. I forced myself not to miss you. I cried and cried, but I refuse to let you know, for it is of no use either. No sob drama from my side, as this will create more burden to you. Silly, I was.

That was the nightmare part of the dream. I buried myself with my own things, and tried to push away any thoughts related to you, which was hard, for every little thing reminds me of you. Motorbikes, people who look like you, smiles, words, places, even my home - the very floor you lied on, the cushion that you loved.

After a week of no contact (which has never happened since I knew you), I had already lost all hope. I knew you were gone. Your heart had left. All promises broken.

Last we met, you informed me of your decision. 

'Don't be too hard on yourself.'

'But I am not happy now.'

'I know you are a very emotional person.'

'You have no choice.'

'I can't carry on.'

The last sentence, 'We'll talk again k?' was actually a closure on your part. I didn't realize until much later.

And so, my dream ended.

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What we had shared, were mostly sweet memories. At this very moment, bittersweet-ness engulfed me. I smile thinking of the good old days, but the heart is aching. Where else to get this mixture of feelings?

I thought about what we had. I thought about what we possessed. I'd thought our bond was strong.

What I didn't tell you was, I already knew what was happening. I know the real reason behind your leaving. Perhaps neither of us wanted to acknowledge it. But I do know, I am not that silly after all.

You wanted to be happy, and you said I brought you happiness. You said we are givers, but you are a taker now, for your own happiness. I am still that giver, wishing you happiness always.

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As for myself, I realized I'm in a different dimension once I'm here. This is my other identity after all. I appear happy and smiley on the surface. When I'm here, this is the real me. And the real me, met you.  With you, I can be myself. You will always be a part of me, and I thank you for that. Although everything is over now (And I had to admit that I'm feeling relieved), I will not forget the things you have done for me. I don't know if I will ever stop writing about you, but I know I will try not to think of you too much.

If you are ever reading this, I would like to say this. 

I was glad I made you happy back then, no matter how short the period was. I'm glad you chose to be happy now, though at my expense. I maintain that you should be happy, I don't matter. I hope it is a relief for you, knowing I had left. Since it was a spill period between you and her, I hope you are in a much better shape now and that your life is brighter and you are happier now. 

I have alot of things to say, and I have gifts for you. But I will keep them with me, and they will remind me of you.

Smile, smile, smile, for you look really good when you smile.

Be happy always.

Once, a deer.